RJ Hamster
š§ØDonnieās Whisper Yeets Dow Past 50,000 While Crude Gets…
May 20, 2026
š§ØDonnieās Whisper Yeets Dow Past 50,000 While Crude Gets Pistol Whippedā¦
Fifty Shades of Greenā¦
Well friends, who knew the cure for a week of getting kneecapped was a hallway rumor and a tank of cheaper gas. The Dow ripped 645 points to muscle past 50,000 and close at 50,009, while the S&P 500 tacked on 1.08% to 7,433 and the Nasdaq added 1.54%. To everyone whose been getting blasted, have a day (finally).
In short, the fuel of the day was fittingly, the fuel. West Texas Intermediate got rekt to the tune of 5.66%, settling at $98.26 a barrel, with Brent down a matching 5.63% to $105.02. Bonds joined the party as the 10-year yield shed 9 basis points and the 30-year gave back more than 6 (one basis point is 0.01%, for those of you who skipped the bond-math chapter).
Aaaaand who do we thank for the saving grace? None other than Donnie Deals. The President told reporters his administration was in the “final stages” of negotiations with Iran (per a pool report), and that was enough to knock 5% off crude and yeet every risk asset to the moon. The catch, however, was that none of this is the actual exam. The whole tape spent Wednesday killing time ahead of Nvidia’s first-quarter print, because in 2026 the market doesn’t get to feel anything until Jensen tells it how it’s allowed to feel. A relief rally on a ceasefire rumor is nice but it also could bite everyone in the a$$ once Jensen opens his mouth.
Meanwhile, Ryan Cohen would like to speak to eBay’s manager. GameStop bumped its eBay stake to 6.55% from about 5%, per a regulatory filing, doubling down on the chairman’s not-at-all-subtle push to swallow the online marketplace whole. This came right after eBay’s board reviewed his $56 billion takeover proposal and called the unsolicited bid “neither credible nor attractive.”#getrekt. That’s also, coincidentally, how the apes have described the GameStop turnaround for four years running. You don’t take over the world’s garage sale by being told noā¦ you do it by buying more and tweeting a cat. So far Cohen is two-for-two.
Speaking of meme darlings, AMC ripped 13% after CEO Adam Aron disclosed he bought 250,000 shares for roughly $344,000 and then took to X to declare his “great confidence in AMC’s future.” For context, $344,000 is a rounding error against the ocean of stock Aron printed and sold to retail during the meme years. Regardless, degens ate it up anyway, and the stock did the rest.
Elsewhere in stonk land, Intuit got nuked 3% after Reuters reported the TurboTax maker is cutting ~17% of its staff, about 3,000 people (the company that automates your taxes, automating its own), and Hasbro dropped more than 8% as it copped to eating cybersecurity-breach costs and reaffirmed a Magic: The Gatheringāfueled EBITDA outlook nobody found magical.
Aaaand thatās about it for today’s recap friends. Obviously we still have Nvidia that we are all collectively clenched for. To which I say, enjoy the green, but donāt back up the brinks truck on a rumor. If Jensen prints and guides hot, 50,000 was a floor. If he whiffs, wellā¦ weāll all need some milk. Until next time, friendsā¦
If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, hereās our heatmap for today.
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Stellantis CEO Debuts āMichael Scott Turnaround Planā to Dig Company out of $26B Sinkhole
āWe are gonna go in there and come back with a plan for you. Itās a 45 day plan. 45 days to get us back on track. 45 points. Itās a 45 day/45 point. One point per day. We get the 45 points we are back in business.ā –Michael ScottStellantis CEO, Antonio Filosa
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to what might become one of the most important āplease trust us againā presentations in the auto industry this year.
Because tomorrow, new Stellantis CEO Antonio Filosa is expected to unveil his grand master plan to stop the company (and more importantly the stock price) fromā¦
Vance Tries Extinguishing Trump Insider Trading Questionsā¦ Accidentally Adds Premium Fuel Instead
How dare you make the accusation that the same President who posts 100 rants a day on Truth Social is sitting at his Oval Office desk manipulating the stock market for his personal gainā¦
Being the Robin to President Donald Trumpās Batman is no easy gigā¦ and nowhere was that more obvious than during JD Vanceās White House press conference yesterday.
The author of Hillbilly Elegy, went full defense mode after a reporter asked what his thoughts were about Donnieās financial disclosures showing endless stock trades that resulted inā¦
ā Market Gossip
> Wendyās taps former Potbelly CEO to lead struggling burger chain (CNBC): * the saxophones are getting louder *
> Harvard Faculty Enacts Cap on A-Grades as Students Push Back (Bloomberg): āIāll punch an old man in publicā – Asian parents, right nowā¦
> Google Search as you know it is over (TechCrunch):SEO GEO mouth breathers are about to become even more insufferableā¦
> UK announces āhistoricā trade deal with Gulf states in G7 first (CNBC): $4.7 billion? Those rookie numbers in this racketā¦
Beat-and-Bleed Comes for Target After Crushing Q1 Earnings (Shares Take a 5% Slug)
“We’re so back.” – Target, 6:30am.
“It’s so over.” – Target stock, 9:31am.
For five straight quarters, Target has received the cuck treatment after watching its own shoppers drift past the bullseye and into the nearest Walmart. But this weekā¦ it finally posted a quarter worth bragging about, its first positive same-store sales in over a year. So naturally, the market did what any stock with good news after a losing streak this massive would do: Say thanks with a 5% premarket kneecap. Bigly.
In short, the Fiddler (read: Michael Fiddelke), Target’s new CEO and the guy who was CFO while the bullseye bled out, took over in February promising candor and a turnaround. Q1 gave him enough of one to look right. Same-store sales rose 5.6%, traffic climbed 4.4% across stores and the app, and digital comps jumped 8.9% on same-day delivery through the Circle 360 membership.
Case in point, the receipts are as follows: Earnings landed atā¦
āWTFā Meme of the Day
These people have no idea how smart I amā¦
Oh, and one more thingā¦
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