RJ Hamster
š§ØCaterpillar DIGS the Dow Out of a Hole
April 30, 2026
š§ØCaterpillar DIGS the Dow Out of a Holeā¦ Meta CFO Fumbles the Bag (On Air)
Aaaand just like thatā¦ Wall Street wrapped up its best month since (double checks, rubs eyes) November 2020ā¦ back when Kamala Harris hit us with the now-immortal āyou did it, Joeā meme.
Speaking of history, the S&P 500 jumped 1% and closed above 7,200 for the first time ever.
And despite a handful of Mag 7 updates that raised more questions than answersā¦ the Nasdaq didnāt care, adding another 0.9% for a new record close.
But today really belonged to the Dow, which was carried on the back of a certain bulldozer supplier moving product like Heisenberg in his prime. The grandaddy index closed 1.7% higher after yesterdayās depressing close.
Zoom out for a second and itās pretty clear whatās going onā¦ AI hype is doing the heavy lifting, Big Tech is spending like thereās no tomorrow, and investors are choosing to believe inflation is āunder control-ish.ā
On one side, youāve got companies like Alphabet dropping solid numbers and getting rewarded like they just cured cancer and solved male pattern baldness.
On the other, youāve got names like Metaand Microsoft catching heat, not because the business is bad, but because theyāre spending money like it grows on trees. (It also doesn’t help when your CFO gets on the call and says she has no clue how much money they’re gonna spend on AI next year).
Weāre now staring down an AI arms race pushing toward $725 BILLION this yearā¦ up from last yearās already āthereās no way this is sustainableā $550 billionā¦ and investors are sitting there like, āwe love the growthā¦ but alsoā¦ you guys good?ā
Meanwhile, letās shift to a subplot that doesnāt seem to ever end. Reports surfaced that Donnie the Great is considering fresh military options involving Iran. (Yes, oil went up).
And in case you were wondering how the Dow dominated todayā¦ look no further than Caterpillar, which ripped 10% after beating earnings and raising guidance. Clearly, the blue-collar army is still buying their machines. Which might be the best sign the economy isnāt falling apart after all.
And to put a tidy little bow on the dayā¦ after a White House visit from UK royalty (where Trump couldnāt resist a ājust two kingsā post) he followed it up on Truth Social by saying tariffs on Scottish whiskey are getting lifted. This act of kindness drove Diageo higher by nearly 4%.
Quite lovely, innit?
If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, hereās our heatmap for today.
The Iran War Is Creating a Gold Rush. But Not the Kind You Think.
$361 billion flows through the gold markets every single day. That’s four times the New York Stock Exchange.
A “Market Wizard” hedge fund manager has found a way to “skim” cash from all that movement ā whether gold goes up or down.
On March 3 alone, his followers had a chance to collect $5,145 while gold investors lost money.
Elon Calls Out OpenAIās āTrick Questionsā From Standā¦ Points to Smoking Gun Text from Altman
Wake up babe, the billionaire tech version of the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard Turd trial just droppedā¦
Well ladies and gentlemen, the debut episode of what Iām coining āAI Gateā has officially been released and the drama dial has already been turned to 100. It all started when during cross-examination, Scam Altmanās lawyer, William Savitt, started hitting Musk with what he called āsimple questions.ā
Muskās rebuttal? āYour questions are not simple. Theyāre designed to trick me.ā Translation: Iāve built rockets, manā¦ and self-driving cars that work most of the timeā¦ youāre not catching me slipping with lawyer word games. Of course to that, Savitt came back with the most powertripping lawyer response imaginableā¦
Zuckās āWhatever It Takesā Speech Backfires as Meta Doubles Down on AI Gambling Addiction (-9%)
āOh no, we Zuck again.ā -Meta shareholders, probably
For all you tech CEOs who want to learn how to NOT tank your stockā¦ look no further than the disaster that was Metaās latest earnings call. Because before things went sidewaysā¦ the call opened with peak Wolf of Wall Street energy, complete with a beat on EPS and revenueā¦
Even if you strip out that one-time $8B tax benefit the IRS decided to reward themā¦ it was still a winner winner chicken dinner.
And based on the usage trendsā¦ letās just say everyoneās social media addictions are getting worse (not sure how thatās even possible).
For instance, ad impressions went up 19%, ad prices rose 12%, and daily users came in at 3.56 billion (which is honestly standing ovation worthy considering everyone said TikTok was about to send Facebook toā¦
ā Market Gossip
>Japan Intervened In FX Market To Buy Yen (Zerohedge):Holy manipulation.
>Palantir Is Making a French Chore Coat. Yes, That Palantir (New York Times): But does it shoot AI missiles?
>SoftBank plans to list new AI and robotics company in the US (Financial Times):Masayoshi Son, the only billionaire in history to make ālosing moneyā a career.
>Steve Cohen Relinquishes President Title at His Point72 Hedge Fund (Bloomberg): Mets fans be like: āCan he also relinquish his title as Mets owner?ā
J-Poww Gives Trump The Bird (Figuratively) After Refusing to Step Down (Plus 4 Dissents)
Live look at J-Poww yesterdayā¦
The last time an outgoing Fed chair refused to leave the board, Truman was in the White House and Marriner Eccles was holding the building together with masking tape and a prayer. That was 1948. Seventy-eight years later, Jerry Interest Rates (read: Powell) is is c*ck-blocking Teflon Don from stuffing his predecessor’s seat with another loyalist.
In short, Jerome confirmed Wednesday he’s staying on the Board of Governors after his chair term expires May 15. He’s eligible to keep voting on policy through early 2028. Translation: he’s going to be sitting two desks down from Trump’s hand-picked chair for the next two and a half years, watching every move.
Friendly reminder, Donny Deals spent the last year publicly demanding Powell cut rates faster, didn’t get his wish, then pivoted to a criminal probe over the Fed’s $2.5 billion HQ renovation. A federal judge basically called the case bogus before US Attorney Jeanine Pirro mercifully dropped it last Friday. Tillis dropped his Warsh blockade on Sunday. The whole pressure campaign collapsed in a week. The plot twist though is that the 11-1 to hold rates was the boring topline. The fun part was that FOUR governors broke with Powell on the broader statement, the most dissent since 1992. Stephen Miran (lonely dove) wanted anā¦
Google’s Scrooge McDuck Cloud Pile Keeps Growing After Hitting 81% Net Income (Earnings = Masterclass)
āI apologizeā¦ I wasnāt familiar with your game.ā – All the blue-haired employees at Google (presumably with stock options) after writing hate letters to King Sundar himselfā¦
Well after pissing off all the moral compassā yesterdayā¦ Sundar Pichai delivered an absolute earnings masterclass with a sh*t eating grin on his face.
For starters, net income started the party after being up 81% to $62.57 billion with the stock being up 21% on the month. And the cherry on top? Sundar admitted on the earnings call that the only thing slowing Google down is they literally cannot find the GPU plug fast enough.
“We are compute constrained in the near term,” Pichai said. “Our cloud revenue would have been higher if we were able to meet the demand.” Translation: Google is leaving billions on the table because Jensen can’t ship the product fast enough. Cloud revenue ripped 63% year-over-year. Search up 19% with AI experiences pushing queries to all-time highs. Total ad revenue $77.25 billion, up 15.5%. Oh, and the Cloud backlog hit a Scrooge McDuck pile backlog worth $460 million.
As for the capex, Alphabet backed up the brinks truck onā¦
āWTFā Meme of the Day
My buddy: * jokingly * āWas one of those applications yours?ā
Me: ĀÆ\(ć)/ĀÆ
Oh, and one more thingā¦
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