RJ Hamster
How Not to Blow Your Brains Out at a…
 The Norwegian ArmHow Not to Blow Your Brains Out at a Norwegian Christmas By Dan Taylor – Comedy Writer on December 1, 2025The older I get, the less I enjoy opening Christmas presents.It could be that as I age and mature, the more I value what really matters like meaningful conversations with loved ones and cherished moments singing Christmas carols around an open fireOr it could be that the presents are getting shittier.Whichever one it is, my nightmare scenario at Christmas is having to spend most of it opening presents and, even worse, watching other people open theirs.And I’m not just talking about people opening presents from other people. I include people opening the presents I get them in this.In fact, that’s arguably the worst part: The look of disappointment as they stare blankly at the misguided gift I bought them, the fake smile on their face as they try to figure out why I would buy them something they neither wanted nor needed, and finally the polite gratitude, complete with awkward hug and faux-enthusiasm.It’s during these moments that I wish one of my loved ones had bought me what I really needed this year: a loaded 12-gauge shotgun and a non-decorative pillow to minimize blood splatter.Which is why it’s really unfortunate that I ended up living in Norway.Norway is one of those places that celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve.Before I moved here, I didn’t even know it was a thing. I thought every Christian country celebrated Christmas on—you know—Christmas Day.But they don’t. The Norwegians, along with the Polish, Swedish, and whole other bunch of -ishes, cram the festivities into one evening.Much like you cram stuffing into the butt of a turkey. “Christmas turkey simile. Nice.”Instead of spreading Christmas out over a whole day, making room for essential activities such as drinking alcohol in the morning, taking regular cigarette breaks to avoid people, and making fun of your grandparents, they attempt and inevitably fail to adequately celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ in the space of one evening.You can see where I’m going with this. The result is, the opening of the Christmas presents, if you’re part of a large group, can threaten to ruin Christmas altogether.If you find yourself celebrating with one of those families who has bought every toy in the store for their little cherubs, your Norwegian Christmas could well be toast.But don’t worry. I have you covered.Here’s my guide on how not to blow your brains out at a Norwegian Christmas.If you see that there are an excessive number of presents under the tree, the first thing you want to do is assign yourself a leadership role. Don’t let Grandma Nora be in charge of handing out presents with her bad back and knees and misplaced reading glasses. To ensure rapid opening of presents, you’re going to need presents to be handed out with the efficiency of a German car factory.Read labels with a magnifying glass if you need to, and make sure your throwing arm is limbered up. Walking to and from the Christmas tree isn’t going to cut it.Getting presents into only mildly appreciative hands is only half the battle. You’re going to need presents to be opened swiftly.You, as the leader of the present-opening task force, are in charge of ensuring a fast tempo. I remember this Christmas fondly.Older members of the group, who tend to fold wrapping paper up for use next year, need to be targeted hard and fast early. Make sure you have a large trash bag at hand and snatch wrapping paper out of their claws as soon as the gift is fully revealed.This will allow them to get on with what really matters: pretending they like the item inside the gift wrapping.Next, you’re going to want to target the children. Christmas presents prepared for children, in my opinion, shouldn’t be taped up. Children’s weak hands really struggle with even a poorly sellotaped gift. Spittle would be a much more appropriate adhesive, especially with toddlers.But as you’re not in charge of how the gifts are wrapped, at least outside of your own children, you have to deal with this sellotape problem.That’s why you’re going to need to bring your own pair of freshly sharpened scissors. Garden shears, such as the ones here being wasted on this hedge, can also come in handy.Before handing out gifts to children, what you’re going to want to do is pre-snip any problem areas. Not the whole way through the sellotape, so that the toy inside is in danger of being revealed before the child has their tiny hands on it. You’re going to want to make sure the cuts you make in the sellotape are wide enough as to ensure rapid opening, while leaving enough of the tape intact for when you toss the gift over to them.The next tactic is a biggie.Some families have a one-gift-at-a-time opening policy. You’re going to need to nip this in the bud and establish a new, more chaotic present-opening protocol, where two, three, or even four presents are being opened at once.The rapid handing out of gifts will get you most of the way there, but should you find people are waiting their turn, encouraging questions like “What have you got, [insert family member name here]?” will get them moving along.Really pile on the pressure for stubborn present openers.This last tactic is something I’ve employed in recent years, though some may deem it unnecessary.If you have a large number of gifts for one person, such as a girlfriend or spouse, bundle their gifts up into one grotesque, misshapen package, for rapid opening.So, there you have it. With a little effort and initiative, you, too, will be able to enjoy your Norwegian Christmas.This year, I strongly suspect my Norwegian Christmas is in danger of being ruined by present opening, so I’ll be sure to bring along my magnifying glass and sharpened scissors—as well as beta testing the use of a megaphone.God jul!Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, don’t forget to follow The Norwegian Arm. And if you laughed out loud at least three times, don’t forget to feel mildly obligated to share this post with your friends on social media. Read Kindle eBooks? Interested in trying one by this author but don’t want to part with your hard-earned cash for fear he’s as terrible at writing fiction as he is blog posts? Well today’s your lucky week! If you live in the US, you can download No Hitmen in Heaven for free. Get it today, while digital stocks last. Just click this link.CommentLike You can also reply to this email to leave a comment. |
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