Old is not Easy

If you can’t think of a word, say, “I forgot the English word for it.”
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.
My goal for 2021 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one
big round crouton covered with tomato sauce and cheese. FINE, it was a
pizza…. OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3
hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had
to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing
outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or
talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
I love being 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money
so I got up and searched with him.
I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and
call it a day.

Just remember, once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes
and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be older . . this is not what I expected.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that
true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to
slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So,
remember. . . . Don’t sing!

If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH
and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to
re-shingle your roof?  Sound like anyone we know!?
I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my
leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests
I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead
yet.
You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then
cannot get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more
information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.