RJ Hamster
🧨Caterpillar DIGS the Dow Out of a Hole
April 30, 2026
🧨Caterpillar DIGS the Dow Out of a Hole… Meta CFO Fumbles the Bag (On Air)
Aaaand just like that… Wall Street wrapped up its best month since (double checks, rubs eyes) November 2020… back when Kamala Harris hit us with the now-immortal “you did it, Joe” meme.
Speaking of history, the S&P 500 jumped 1% and closed above 7,200 for the first time ever.
And despite a handful of Mag 7 updates that raised more questions than answers… the Nasdaq didn’t care, adding another 0.9% for a new record close.
But today really belonged to the Dow, which was carried on the back of a certain bulldozer supplier moving product like Heisenberg in his prime. The grandaddy index closed 1.7% higher after yesterday’s depressing close.
Zoom out for a second and it’s pretty clear what’s going on… AI hype is doing the heavy lifting, Big Tech is spending like there’s no tomorrow, and investors are choosing to believe inflation is “under control-ish.”
On one side, you’ve got companies like Alphabet dropping solid numbers and getting rewarded like they just cured cancer and solved male pattern baldness.
On the other, you’ve got names like Metaand Microsoft catching heat, not because the business is bad, but because they’re spending money like it grows on trees. (It also doesn’t help when your CFO gets on the call and says she has no clue how much money they’re gonna spend on AI next year).
We’re now staring down an AI arms race pushing toward $725 BILLION this year… up from last year’s already “there’s no way this is sustainable” $550 billion… and investors are sitting there like, “we love the growth… but also… you guys good?”
Meanwhile, let’s shift to a subplot that doesn’t seem to ever end. Reports surfaced that Donnie the Great is considering fresh military options involving Iran. (Yes, oil went up).
And in case you were wondering how the Dow dominated today… look no further than Caterpillar, which ripped 10% after beating earnings and raising guidance. Clearly, the blue-collar army is still buying their machines. Which might be the best sign the economy isn’t falling apart after all.
And to put a tidy little bow on the day… after a White House visit from UK royalty (where Trump couldn’t resist a “just two kings” post) he followed it up on Truth Social by saying tariffs on Scottish whiskey are getting lifted. This act of kindness drove Diageo higher by nearly 4%.
Quite lovely, innit?
If you read all of this, congrats for having a 10 second attention span (better than me). As always, here’s our heatmap for today.
The Iran War Is Creating a Gold Rush. But Not the Kind You Think.
$361 billion flows through the gold markets every single day. That’s four times the New York Stock Exchange.
A “Market Wizard” hedge fund manager has found a way to “skim” cash from all that movement — whether gold goes up or down.
On March 3 alone, his followers had a chance to collect $5,145 while gold investors lost money.
Elon Calls Out OpenAI’s “Trick Questions” From Stand… Points to Smoking Gun Text from Altman
Wake up babe, the billionaire tech version of the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard Turd trial just dropped…
Well ladies and gentlemen, the debut episode of what I’m coining “AI Gate” has officially been released and the drama dial has already been turned to 100. It all started when during cross-examination, Scam Altman’s lawyer, William Savitt, started hitting Musk with what he called “simple questions.”
Musk’s rebuttal? “Your questions are not simple. They’re designed to trick me.” Translation: I’ve built rockets, man… and self-driving cars that work most of the time… you’re not catching me slipping with lawyer word games. Of course to that, Savitt came back with the most powertripping lawyer response imaginable…
Zuck’s “Whatever It Takes” Speech Backfires as Meta Doubles Down on AI Gambling Addiction (-9%)
“Oh no, we Zuck again.” -Meta shareholders, probably
For all you tech CEOs who want to learn how to NOT tank your stock… look no further than the disaster that was Meta’s latest earnings call. Because before things went sideways… the call opened with peak Wolf of Wall Street energy, complete with a beat on EPS and revenue…
Even if you strip out that one-time $8B tax benefit the IRS decided to reward them… it was still a winner winner chicken dinner.
And based on the usage trends… let’s just say everyone’s social media addictions are getting worse (not sure how that’s even possible).
For instance, ad impressions went up 19%, ad prices rose 12%, and daily users came in at 3.56 billion (which is honestly standing ovation worthy considering everyone said TikTok was about to send Facebook to…
☕ Market Gossip
>Japan Intervened In FX Market To Buy Yen (Zerohedge):Holy manipulation.
>Palantir Is Making a French Chore Coat. Yes, That Palantir (New York Times): But does it shoot AI missiles?
>SoftBank plans to list new AI and robotics company in the US (Financial Times):Masayoshi Son, the only billionaire in history to make “losing money” a career.
>Steve Cohen Relinquishes President Title at His Point72 Hedge Fund (Bloomberg): Mets fans be like: “Can he also relinquish his title as Mets owner?”
J-Poww Gives Trump The Bird (Figuratively) After Refusing to Step Down (Plus 4 Dissents)
Live look at J-Poww yesterday…
The last time an outgoing Fed chair refused to leave the board, Truman was in the White House and Marriner Eccles was holding the building together with masking tape and a prayer. That was 1948. Seventy-eight years later, Jerry Interest Rates (read: Powell) is is c*ck-blocking Teflon Don from stuffing his predecessor’s seat with another loyalist.
In short, Jerome confirmed Wednesday he’s staying on the Board of Governors after his chair term expires May 15. He’s eligible to keep voting on policy through early 2028. Translation: he’s going to be sitting two desks down from Trump’s hand-picked chair for the next two and a half years, watching every move.
Friendly reminder, Donny Deals spent the last year publicly demanding Powell cut rates faster, didn’t get his wish, then pivoted to a criminal probe over the Fed’s $2.5 billion HQ renovation. A federal judge basically called the case bogus before US Attorney Jeanine Pirro mercifully dropped it last Friday. Tillis dropped his Warsh blockade on Sunday. The whole pressure campaign collapsed in a week. The plot twist though is that the 11-1 to hold rates was the boring topline. The fun part was that FOUR governors broke with Powell on the broader statement, the most dissent since 1992. Stephen Miran (lonely dove) wanted an…
Google’s Scrooge McDuck Cloud Pile Keeps Growing After Hitting 81% Net Income (Earnings = Masterclass)
“I apologize… I wasn’t familiar with your game.” – All the blue-haired employees at Google (presumably with stock options) after writing hate letters to King Sundar himself…
Well after pissing off all the moral compass’ yesterday… Sundar Pichai delivered an absolute earnings masterclass with a sh*t eating grin on his face.
For starters, net income started the party after being up 81% to $62.57 billion with the stock being up 21% on the month. And the cherry on top? Sundar admitted on the earnings call that the only thing slowing Google down is they literally cannot find the GPU plug fast enough.
“We are compute constrained in the near term,” Pichai said. “Our cloud revenue would have been higher if we were able to meet the demand.” Translation: Google is leaving billions on the table because Jensen can’t ship the product fast enough. Cloud revenue ripped 63% year-over-year. Search up 19% with AI experiences pushing queries to all-time highs. Total ad revenue $77.25 billion, up 15.5%. Oh, and the Cloud backlog hit a Scrooge McDuck pile backlog worth $460 million.
As for the capex, Alphabet backed up the brinks truck on…
“WTF” Meme of the Day
My buddy: * jokingly * “Was one of those applications yours?”
Me: ¯\(ツ)/¯
Oh, and one more thing…
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