Empathy
Some people are difficult to deal with. They may take without giving or dominate every conversation by talking about themselves.
In some situations, we may want to gently address these behaviors, but Nancy Colier, a psychotherapist and frequent Epoch Times contributor, says sometimes we can resolve the situation entirely within ourselves by replacing blame and criticism with empathy.
It’s important to recognize that in those moments of annoyance, we may be assigning the person motives they don’t hold.
“We make up all sorts of narratives and interpretations about the other based on our opinions. But our thoughts and opinions about the other aren’t necessarily the truth of that other,” notes Ms. Colier.
Empathy means trying to understand the other person. This allows us to extend compassion.
You might assume that extending empathy can be depleting but research suggests that one of the best ways to replenish ourselves is to tend to the needs of others.
“Every time we respond to another’s behavior with kindness, it’s like we take a step into the divine—into bliss,” writes Ms. Colier.
Resolving Resentment
While some people momentarily frustrate us, there may be others we hold long-term grievances towards. Kerry Howells, a gratitude researcher for 25 years writes that resentment is all too common.
“No doubt you have experienced everyday resentment in your life,” writes Ms. Howells. These can range from resenting a sibling who always got more attention to a spouse who doesn’t do enough housework.
Resentment is often known as the “emotion of justice” because it stems from a belief we are right and they are wrong, writes Ms. Howells.
Gratitude is a natural counter to resentment. If we can shift our focus from what we resent about people to what we appreciate about them, it can transform the relationship—and our health.
Resentment is linked to anxiety and depression, as well as ulcers, gastric disorders, cardiac disease, headaches, back pain, insomnia, cardiac disease, and more, writes Ms. Howells.
Dealing with resentment starts with acknowledging it.
“Just by giving the hurtful, murky, stuck feelings a name—resentment—and recognizing its damaging effects on our well-being and those around us, we can be more empowered and motivated to do something about it,” writes Ms. Howells.
From there, we can start to look at the person anew and see their good qualities. If we can do this in the home and workplace, we can even keep resentment from forming in the first place.
Ms. Howells’ research has revealed that one of the most powerful ways to do this is to deliver a warm greeting each time you encounter a person.
“Greeting with a heart of gratitude—with a heart of recognizing what we have received from someone—can help them to feel a sense of connectedness to us, a sense of belonging.”
Forgiveness
If we find it hard to simply release that resentment, we may need to extend forgiveness, reports health journalist Conan Milner.
Everett Worthington, author, clinical psychologist, and professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, tells Mr. Milner that people struggling to forgive should try the REACH method:
- Recall the hurt that was done to you as objectively as you can.
- Empathize with the viewpoint of the person who wronged you.
- Altruism by remembering a time you hurt someone and were forgiven, then offering the gift of forgiveness to a person who hurt you.
- Commit to publicly forgiving the person who wronged you.
- Hold on by reminding yourself that you made the choice to forgive.
“The goal of REACH is to consider hurt feelings without blaming the other person or dwelling on the victimization caused by the injustice,” writes Mr. Milner.
Forgiveness takes effort, but it can restore strained relationships because it allows us to see the offending party as a worthy and valuable person again, says Mr. Worthington.
